Treadmills and my diary of thoughts - 2020

Is life a treadmill? Are we all running to nowhere? Is there no purpose? It feels like there is a purpose because we are running. It’s making us tired. But what if we’re not going anywhere. Does it matter? We’re getting in shape on the way. It does matter. Either life is a treadmill or it isn’t. That’s nice to say. I like to believe that it isn’t, but I’ll never know. I know that. You can at least choose your treadmill. The problem is if you choose your treadmill you might be resentful towards yourself. Humans tend to rather have that than be resentful towards someone else. Yes, you could have someone to blame other than yourself, but what really is that. At least you can die knowing you did everything you could. It’s prideful, heroic is not the right word, but hey, you tried.

When I go out with a girl I care to get ready. Brushing my teeth, cleaning my car, combing my hair. I want to look my best. When there is no girl, I could care less. Why is that? I want to put together a facade to look my best. That should be the expectation as well. It says something if you don’t look your best. Depending on where you are in your hierarchy then you don’t have to look your best. I’m from the middle class, you have to look your best. That’s what society expects from us. We want to look sophisticated and put together. We want to fit into society. The facade is real. It matters to me. It’s a mask I choose to put on. Eventually, the mask will come off and it will just be me. Nobody can feel comfortable wearing their mask in their own household. Why put it on at all? Because that is what society expects us to do. You have to wear it in order to take it off one day.

It would be nice to never have to wear it, but that is a privilege we don’t have. You have to own the store if you want to eat without a t-shirt on. What you can do is decide who you put the mask on for. You can decide what mask you want to wear. You can put on a mask that reflects who you are or maybe who you want to be.

I keep on hearing my phone vibrate. It’s not vibrating. The sound I am hearing just triggers me like it is vibrating. I keep thinking what if it is you. It’s not going to be and I know that. Here is the thing, I still feel this.

I hope you never text me. I hope I never hear from you again. I hope I die sooner than later. Everyone feels that way until they have kids. Kids are the escape to have a purpose. Either they are the escape to have a purpose or they are the purpose. How many times can you go to the beach in Italy until the vibe is complete? I had to go one time. Three times was cool, but that was just luxury. Kids are the greatest challenge and triumph you can feel. We hate feeling like trophies by the way. What do we want? The world needs more heroes. It’s crazy how I tweet I never interacted with echoes in my mind. It’s crazy how much time I spend on Tik Tok.

Idk what I am going to do with the things I am writing about. It’s an abstract mess I don’t understand. It’s a place to go. All these things I write about are going to be interpreted the wrong way anyway. It doesn’t matter to me as long as it does something to you. Hopefully good. People would ask me what I am doing before my frontal lobe was fully formed. That would have been really funny to tell them that in the moment. At the moment I just wanted to say, what are you doing with your future? Still finna be here? Like there is somewhere to go. I am all for adventure, but traveling is tiring. If there is no end you just have no sleep.

People seem to either want to be awake or be sleeping. There is no in-between.

Back to the treadmill. You should choose your treadmill. You should play good music along the way. If you are waiting for a treadmill to choose you, you’re just waiting for your future self to tell you what treadmill to choose. Your future self will never know which one to choose if you don’t try different treadmills. What if life is not a treadmill? What if I want to be on solid ground and actually go somewhere? This is an idea. Why not believe this one. You have to choose what idea to believe. Why not choose this one. Actually, choose the one where you know life could be a treadmill, but instead, you take it seriously. You know it could be a treadmill, but you live as if you’re on solid ground. Knowing even if you die knowing it was a treadmill, what did you really lose? What if you were on solid ground? What would you do? Choose the ground if you were to die on you could look back at and be proud of where you came. Maybe it means something, maybe it means nothing, why not die trying for it to mean something. What is life worth giving up on?

I deleted flaneur. How much should you enjoy life and how much should you pursue something. Maybe instead of running on the treadmill, you should jog. What speed should you go at? Obviously the most efficient is the right answer. Common sense always wins in abstract ideas. Abstract ideas are the poison you didn’t choose to take. If you don’t drink the cure then you only have the poison. People see the world and just want to chill in it. Look at all we created. The weather is nice. Shouldn’t we just chill here? Here is the thing. If you chill and enjoy life you will feel as if you are cheating yourself. Don’t get me wrong. There is a time and a place to slow down or get off the treadmill, but when you are running you should run at your most efficient time. Also, a hurricane is always around the corner.

Okay. So you are running on an efficient treadmill. The problem with a treadmill is you are not going anywhere. In life, you are always running towards something. To run on the ground means you have chosen what you are to go after. Actually, we are all running on the ground. Some are running through freeways, others in ironmans, others towards the promised land. One is death, one is for fun, one is for purpose.

Maybe a treadmill is purely a concept in our mind. It is so nihilistic. We are all running on solid ground. We can inform our minds of how we could all be running towards nothing in the grand scheme of things, but we cannot live as if there is only a grand scheme. We feel the impacts on our life. It’s a dichotomy of being human because you have to have both. You can’t only feel what impacts your life, but others and the worlds. How much weight do you put in all of those is the question.

Life might be a treadmill, but you don’t act like it is. We’re all running on solid ground. We might be running towards something we want to be at. We might not know where we are towards. Nobody knows what they want, but you have to still run towards something. You might as well run towards something you might want. You should play good music along the way. People say they don’t want to run, but that’s not true. They are just afraid of the human experience they don’t want. They all want the human experience they desire. We could run together. Wouldn’t that be beautiful? We are doing it anyway. That’s another topic I ain’t gonna hit on. I love you. Thank you for listening.

We have to remind ourselves of this every day. At least I do. If you are wondering why you are running every day it will be harder to run. Give yourself a reason to run. When there is why there is a way. What do you want to spend your time running towards? What music do you want to listen to along the way?