If you are not sure if a ladder exists, check your view.

If you are not sure if a ladder exists, check your view.

April 2021ish

I swear I’ve had an existential crisis since I was in high school. I was worried about what I wanted to do and not being sure of it. Everyone told me not to worry. I don’t think that was the worst advice, but maybe not the best either. It was good advice to not worry, it was bad advice to not attempt to find out what you want to do with your time. Between being so busy to get to college while worrying about ASB, football, and grades I had no idea what I wanted to do career-wise. This carried on to college, but less so. We spend so much time in school doing things that you sometimes never figure out what you actually want to do.

Like most people, I fell into the position I am in. I’ve tried different things, but I always knew my current job was not forever. It gave me experience, but only experience for something I did not want to pursue in the future. The left my trajectory at almost net zero. I still consider staying in admissions to get my education paid for, but a master's degree doesn’t do much. After another few years in my role, I would be starting over trying to get into PHD program to graduate and get paid as much as I am getting paid now. It would be nice to do something I love, but I could not choose the place I want to work and I wouldn’t be able to have a family on that salary. It’s sad, but so is the world. Eat or get eatin.

I knew I had to change something. The only problem is having endless options. I knew at this age with the privileges I had I could truly pursue anything, but what? If you could do anything what would you do? It gets down to what is the most important thing you can do? I truly believe this answer lies in beliefs. Not knowledge, not power, but the beliefs of individuals controls all of those things. In ways, I want to change people's beliefs. I mean that is why we do everything no? The thing about beliefs is you cannot control them. You can influence and change them. You’re a high intellectual and good persuader away from being convinced of anything.

More advice, assume you’re not going to Bill Gates. Shocking. Nonetheless, revolutionary for myself. I calculated it recently. If I want to retire now I think I need about 8 million dollars according to my Finance advisor. Or 100k seems like a sufficient yearly salary in today’s society for all my wants and desires. Times that by 30 years = I need 3 million. How would I get that now? On my 50k salary with benefits that feels like it would be a miracle to happen. I mean if it does great, but I don’t think I should expect it to. I should probably do something that works towards that as well. In today's world, it is easy to scroll on our phones and see people with financial success. It feels normal. But the reality is, I feel like 99% of the people I meet aren’t those people.

I’m not saying this is a bad thing. I’m saying I’ve accepted a reality where wealth feels closer and farther away at the same time thanks to the internet. If it comes to me, merit will be involved, but also a lot of luck. And let’s assume it doesn’t, what do I want to do then?

Like most in my gen, I’m afraid of the office. I’m afraid of living in a cave. Where I go from my house to traffic to excel spreadsheets and back. To be honest, I try to not take it for granted as well. Life could be worse beyond my imagination. I also enjoy seeing the same faces every day and having coffee around the office.

Like most this past year, I have spent my time working from home doing everything virtually. I have found it to be life-depleting or soul-sucking. There were days I had nothing to work on, but jumping on to play a video game seemed sinful. My conscience told me I should be working on something. I enjoy being productive within society. My life felt like it was missing meaning. We all spent a lot of time alone this past year and had to look in the mirror for maybe too long. What are we doin?

I looked at other jobs, but everything came back to my mind. Going to work and doing excel spreadsheets. Why would I want to do that in one form or another? What is the actual goal of the company? Just to make money. That’s not the worst thing as money can be a tool to provide for my life and do good for others. But, if I had to choose, which I could, what would I actually do?

I wrote this tweet that came to my mind. It said, “If you are not sure if a ladder exists, check your view.“ I envision life as this ladder you are trying to climb.

Some would say life is not a race, but a dance. You have to enjoy the life you live. I actually think life is some kind of unorchestrated improv play. There is a direction you are heading whether or not you like it. You have an idea of where you are going or hopefully, you do, but you never know what the crowd might throw at you. You might be the main character and not at the same time. There’s going to be a story that is told. Some might have more of an audience than others, but we all have our own stage we perform on. There’s more to it than that. But the idea that life is racing to an ultimate death seems to miss the point in life. To only see life as a dance that you enjoy seems untouched with reality. We’re all out here trying to figure it as we go and the ones who have it figured it out can always be rattled by a cake that is thrown from the crowd.

Does the ladder exist? Check your view. What do you see? A wall? A fence? The city? All of the world? In today’s world we seem to focus on who is on the ladder, whether you can get to it, how high you can climb, or some other privilege-based question. They are all true and should be discussed. I just don’t think anyone is going to chop their own ladder down for someone else who may not climb it. One thing to be certain of is that the ladder exists. Do you see a wall of boxes and an excel spreadsheet? Do you see the faces you love and come home to every day? Do you have a choice to step down from the ladder and start over? Are you stuck where you are or can you climb higher? If you can, choose your ladder. If you don’t like it, jump off if you can.

It has gotten to the point where a trade job sounds so appealing to me. Something where I am doing something in person and can use my hands. Something where I actually see my work manifest into something that makes a difference. We have this inherent desire to embody ideas and beings. The ladder I am on embodied this deep dark cave where everything felt fiat. Like a pseudo-reality where I am making a difference through a screen, but I cannot embody these changes. Not only am I on a ladder that looks at a wall, but it feels futile. I know it is there consciously, but my biology refutes the idea that I am doing something productive.

Problems: I want to embody the work I do, I want to be able to justify the work I do, I want the work to feel meaningful, I want the work to provide for the family I want, I want to be alive.

If you asked me how life has been for the past 6 months with my job I would say I don’t feel alive. I imagine most other jobs in their nihilistic fashion. Stuck in a room, embodying a character to make more money to buy the American dream I am afraid of. As I mentioned, if this is what I had to do, I think I could conform to that. But will I be able to live with myself knowing I conformed to a certain path in life when I could have attempted another?

More advice, if money didn’t matter what would you do? I liked this question at first. I imagined myself as a quaint professor studying life and teaching students who are open to having their beliefs molded, mended, or destroyed. Sounds like fun. The problem is money does matter. We live in a reality where I desire certain things like a family in a given environment. Time is limited and sacrifices have to be made. You can do anything and time is the enemy. Money can surpass time, but credentials cannot. The sacrifice might be too great and this dream of mine might be able to be pursued without the credentials. Jesus was a carpenter, but that is not why you remember him.

The best thing I can do is do something I enjoy and not be the villain.

I am afraid. I am afraid that I will help people and they won't be helped. I've realized that there is only so much I can do. Even if I do everything I am supposed to do, it can still not be enough. I don't want to live a life trying to help people that can't be helped. I am afraid I'll drag myself to drag someone else across the finish line to realize they were never going to cross it. I am not saying I do not want them to cross it. I am just saying what I've always known. I can't save anyone. I can merely point them in the right direction. Plant a seed. Show them by what I do. Be there when I can.

Ashlee and I talked in college about being there for other people. I told her about how there were a few times where I was there for people. I use to lose sleep over the fear of not being there for someone while I was in high school. I told her that I never wanted to not be there for someone. We talked about how our other successful friends were very successful, but they seemed so busy all the time. It felt like they missed out on a bunch of good times. They did manage to be there and share plenty of quality times together, but they gave off the impression they were always busy. I told a friend who was not doing well that they should talk to one of these busy friends. She said, "No. They are too busy and I don't want to bug them." That made me sad. I never wanted anyone to feel that way towards me.

I've seen what it is like to help other people. It is an amazing feeling. My conclusion is that it is not the best pursuit. Pursuing to help others is vague. It is not a clear goal. You can make it more clear, but there's also a limitless way to help other people. Having a job where I made money did wonders to help people. Whether it was filling up gas for other people, or buying someone's lunch. I loved helping other people. Working in a ministry where helping other people was my job never sat right with me. I love that I got to help other people, but I hated that I got paid for it. I got paid less than minimum wage to be clear, but I did not like the idea of it. I think someone should be there to do that, but I saw other people in the church. The people I admired were the business owners who came in reliably and served in the church. The men who gave their students they were mentoring their first job and a sense of life. That's who I wanted to be.

Conclusion, don't pursue helping other people. Pursue whatever it is you want to pursue and help those along the way when or if you can. Go out of your way to do it, but not where it affects your own life. To make an argument for my successful friends in college, you can also truly inspire people by not physically helping them, but by inspiring them by pursuing your own pursuits. I’m reading this essay a few months later as I’m in flight school in Idaho. Part of the reason I left is because as much as I wanted to help my brother as he navigated high school I realized I could not be an inspiration for him as a 25 year-old living at home. Me taking a risk to pursue something challenging seemed like the best life lesson I could give. I’m not sure if that matters. I don't know if this is the right conclusion.

I watched It's A Wonderful Life for the first time. I'm afraid I will be George Bailey without a happy ending. What if he failed everyone? Is that happy ending realistic? That's not the point. I just think the point of that movie is if things don't go as you dream, maybe you still live in a dream and try to make the most of it or enjoy it to the fullest. I guess the point of that movie is that life is wonderful. All I am saying is if George could have made a perfect life, I don't think that would have been it. He would have pursued something else, instead of living in the shadow of his father. Instead of having to find the wonderful life, could he have lived it? He never would have had to question it. He could have lived with it, knowing he chose it instead of failing to refuse what was handed to him.

I don't want to be George Bailey. I promise to God I will see it through if that is my path in life. Why? Because it is a wonderful life... I've actually just decided that life is an adventure I didn't choose, but I am here and demand myself to see to the end of it.

Instead, I will pursue what I want to do knowing George Bailey is my backup plan.

Assuming I won’t be that millionaire and will be working for the next 30+ years, what do I want to be doing.

What do I want to be doing for the next 30 years assuming I have to work.

What do I want to get out of this life

What is my ultimate goal

What if I don’t make and what I will do

Learning to code and the only way true backup plan

Creating what you want as a passion